I wrote this sometime in September and October. I'm slow to post. I guess I'm just now healing enough to share. Part of the healing IS sharing. So here are some more thoughts:
About September 1st
My siblings and I are all getting pretty good at death. Ren is our third sibling to die in less than two years. We cry and we laugh at the memories and at our own awkward mourning and bumbling with words as much as we shed tears. Someone told me that when you mourn your brain doesn’t work well. Holly and I agreed that between the two of us, we had half a brain.
Because there isn’t enough drama and excitement in our family, Sandra broke her arm the night before the funeral. She was outside with her little four-year-old granddaughter. Little Annah climbed on her back and she fell and pain shot through her body. We all helped her across the street to the hospital. What a funny sight that must have been but we were all so worried about her and she was in such pain. We all sat around the hospital while she was examined and had some more time to visit. She was taken care of, her arm set and given some serious pain medication. This made for some especially funny moments. Kathy and I laughed at how off tune she sang when she and Kathy did the backup singing for Alyssa’s song. She didn’t seem to notice or even care. Her arm was in a sling and she just sang as if she was on key, but she wasn’t.
Later on the next day when we were cleaning Holly’s house and Sandra was “chillin” on the recliner, she said to Mary, “Mary, I want to be a better brother to Luke.”
Mary replied, “Good Luck on that”.
Mary and I burst out laughing and it took Sandra about ten minutes to figure out what we were laughing about. Laughing felt so good.
Poor Sandra. She was in serious pain...and on serious meds. Today is her b-day. Please stay healthy sis.
October 1, 2010
I’m driving through the desert where Ren took his life. He took this same road. It is beautiful. It is early in the morning and the light is rosey and the autumn colors are glowing. Deserts get fall too you know. Ren didn’t see the beauty. Couldn’t.
October 11, 2010
Yesterday was Ren’s birthday. He would have been 43. I talked about him in Gospel Doctrine. I told the anthill story.
I’m considering writing a grant to fund the last quarter of my practicum and spend that time doing research on suicides in down winder communities.
I had a horrific dream in which Liz and I were at the base of a big building in a metropolis. There was a baby on the roof and he was toddling around and running away from his dad who was chasing him. We were so worried he would fall and we both were trying to help. We ran to the other side of the building and there was a big group of people who were watching from that side. We looked up and we couldn’t see him anywhere and people were asking what happened and if he fell or not. Then all of the sudden I saw him come down and he was falling so fast I couldn’t do anything about it and he landed right in front of me and I heard the thud and crunch of his bones and saw his little white face and his dark hair and then I woke up.
It was 5:55 in the morning.
I lay there breathing in a panic. I was so relieved it was a dream. Then I remembered Ren’s death. That baby was my brother. He was the first baby I ever knew. I lay there under the quilt. The darkness caved in on me. Doug was out of town and I was alone. I knew I wouldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t try. I got up and opened my laptop and logged onto the internet. I missed my brother. I looked up the video I had uploaded to youtube. It was the montogue video of his life. One of the first pictures I saw was the photo of Mom holding Liz and Ren. He was only a few weeks old. It was the same face as the baby in my dream.
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