August 8, 2010
I can’t begin to put down on paper the last few days. I keep wondering how I’m supposed to handle this and then I realize that mercifully, I am beside myself. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Even the words seems strange. I say them and they are just too unreal.
The Spirit told me I needed to be to Ren what Kathy was to Ben. I felt that so strongly as I was driving home from Ben’s funeral last year. Kathy took care of Ben in the final stages of his battle with cancer. The problem was, Ren’s alcoholism was a much more subtle disease. There was no way to fight it. I tried what I knew to do. I feel like I failed.
Holly told me this morning that for the last few years Ren was surrounded by demons. One in particular has been on him continually.
August 14, 2010
It is all over. I am at Lake Powell with Doug and the kids and Dave and Susan’s family. I feel so guilty for simply being alive, let alone doing something I know Ren would have loved. But my role needs to be wife and mother too. I really don’t want to be here. I would so much rather be in Delta, going to Curly’s, the ballfield and everywhere else Ren spent time just so I could figure out what happened to him. Get some serious answers. I wish I could relive the last few weeks. I knew I needed to come visit him. I told Jeannie that before I got the phone call. Oh @#*^. I am so mad at him. At myself. At everyone. But I’m okay too.
Ren didn’t open up to people. Dad helped hundred with alcoholism yet his own son died of the disease.
August 14, 2010
Today is Matt’s birthday. I need to be a better sister to him. What if he died? I don’t even know him very well. I know Robin Better. This last week has done nothing but help me see how little I really knew Ren. I am so ashamed that I never even went to one of his ballgames. All of my brothers and sisters are saying that I was the one who was close to him and the pathetic thing about that is that when compared to the rest of them, it is true – but I wasn’t very close to him. It isn’t saying a whole lot.
Don’t ask “Why” Questions
It is easy to look around at others. I look at youth who have been blessed with loving families and parents that protected their children from abuse and stayed together and wonder why my brother got the shaft.
I wore one of Ren’s t-shirts for several days after his death. I was so sorry for not understanding just how much emotional pain he was in. Putting on his shirt felt symbolic of attempting to understand his pain.
His friends don’t understand the perspective his family has. They seem to want to blame someone. His best friend is a policeman who is in charge of finding missing people. There have been dozens of suicides in the last few years in our home town. Justin once said to Ren, “You wouldn’t do that to me would you? I would be the one to have to look for you.”
Ren promised that he would’t be added, “If I did, you wouldn’t find me.”
It took the search and rescue team 2 days to find my brother.
I texted him a message a few days before his death. I wrote, “Whazzup?” He texted back, “I don’t feel like talking.” I texted back, “I love you.”
The last thing I said to him was, “I love you.”
I’m so glad I sent that text.
But…
I wish so badly I had just called him and asked him what was wrong. I wish I could have helped him somehow. I knew I needed to talk to him. I will never again let someone get away with, “I don’t feel like talking right now.” I think that old adage, “When you don’t feel like praying is when you need to pray the most”
Also applies to discouraged people. When they don’t feel like talking is when they need to talk. But I didn’t call him and ask what was wrong. Instead, I sent my love in a text and gave a talk at his funeral.
2 comments:
Having had my own problems and been suffering with depression for most of my life, and I do mean the suicide kind. I can tell you that there probably was not a a lot anyone could have done. Just by being there and being his sister, you helped more than you will ever know. That kind of depression is not easy, and as much as we would like others to fix it all for us, it just not possible. We have to take care of it ourselves. I am truly sorry you are left with all the questions. Know he is in a better place, where he can get the kind of help he needs. I know Heavenly Father loves us, even when we have problems we let take us over. You are an amazing person, I am glad I know you, and I am sure Ren felt the same and loved you very much. I am only a computer away!
Thanks Elinor. It has been crazy. I never thought something like this would happen in my family. I'm still just blown away by it. I'm also really mad at him for putting us through it, yet I forgive him too.
wierd.
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