Day 8
Sept 4, 2009
I got everyone out of the house this morning and settled into some serious puttering. I found it incredibly frustrating not to have TV to flip on. I longed for the mindless babble of commercials and the informative voices letting me know what was going on out there in the real world. Then I realized the television world is actually less real than the one in which I live. And there are other voices. I flipped on the radio...
yes, you read right...RADIO!!! Who knew???
First I went to an A.M. channel and was informed of basic Montana importance, like the fact that we can gamble on live horse racing. Wahoo. I listened to a couple of beer commercials and flipped around the stations. I found out we finally had Michael Jackson's Funeral. Um. Didn't he die a LONG time ago??? Is that really news?? I don't have to wonder to much about what his reception in heaven was like. I think people like Michael and Farrah get a very different reception than the Ben Lymans. Now THAT must be an amazing celebration. Maybe they had to put off Michael's funeral because all the angels are too busy welcoming Ben Home.
I kept station surfing.
Every form of Country music ever written is available on Montana radio. Not that THAT is a bad thing. I've been known to teach aerobics to Randy Travis. I got some crazy looks from the gals in my class in East Cleveland but there is not another song that works out your thighs as well as..."I got some, ocean front property in Ar-i-zo-na..."
But I was in need of distraction. Something to occupy my brain while I did brainless activity like wipe off counters, sweep floors, load dishwasher, etc.
I found a brainful on F.M...National Public Radio. The answer to braindead activity everywhere. I learned about Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and how baby rats can let go of bad memories better than adult ones can and so there is this new therapy that costs too much because it isn't as well known as bandaids yet.
I got lots of work done.
(later…same day)
When I was done cleaning I went out wandering around Billings. (when I say, “wander”, I mean in my car.) I got lost and attempted to find myself. Have you ever noticed how you can’t find yourself somewhere you are not? Luckily, I was where I looked. Eventually I found myself driving past the district school building, so I went in and picked up an application for substitute teaching. I had been chatting with Liz and Mo while I drove. Liz motivated me to get back into teaching. I drove past a few highschools and saw those precious youth milling around and just got hungry to connect with them and help the next generation.
It is fascinating to me how many new activities little boys are finding to busy themselves with without Spongebob at their beck and call…er…fingertips. Christian came home from school today and decided to try out ways to get Brinkley to smile. He got three plastic cups out of the cupboard and knelt down on the kitchen floor and put a BrinkTreat under one of the cups. Then he started moving them around, challenging Brinkley to pick which cup the treat was under.
Brinkley didn’t get it.
Christian was not deterred. He filled one of the cups with water, dropped the treat in it and challenged Brinkley to “bob for treats”. All we got out of that was a flood and some frantic wiping up of water.
Tonight the plan is to barbeque salmon burgers, make homemade ice cream, and watch the deer hanging out in our back yard…assuming the deer cooperate.
(later)
I did it. I had a dinner party for visiting friends and family. I served salmon, fuit salad, squash, taters, and watermelon smoothies. Later on we all watched an old Bob Hope and Bing Crosby movie and I made a HUGE mess making popcorn and homemade ice cream. I had a wonderful talk with my cousin who found the movie as lame as I did. The only redeeming quality was watching Doug crack up and you could hear his laughter well into the kitchen. Julie and I chatted while I cleaned up my huge mess. Everybody loved the lowfat ice cream I made with our new blender - and I only blew out the motor twice. Doug growled at me and I growled back half-heartedly.
Day 9
September 5, 2009
Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
I find it interesting that the school sent home a list of authors they want the 3rd and 4th graders to read. Among them was Stephen King but Dr. Seuss was not included.
I want to Develop a better relationship with God and Jesus Christ. Turning off the world helps.
Here are the tips I gave myself:
Developing Your Relationship with Your Savior…
· Have 20/20 vision. Take 20 minutes a day to work your bod physically and 20 minutes to workout yourself spiritually.
· Remember you aren’t developing a relationship with yiour Savior, you are remembering it. He has always known you. You are the one who has forgotten.
· Get to know yourself – who you really are Get to know the you the Savior knows. She is magnificent!!!
· Let go of fear. When you do, you can let go of other secondary emotions:
o Anger
o Frustration
o Self Pity
o Pride
· Remember that Satan knows you. See hymn number 266 "The Time is Far Spent", verse 4 – be fixed in your purpose.
Alternative Entertainment Due to Lack of Television:
Books
Plain Truth by Jody Picoult
Family History Book
Newsweek
The Outsiders
Book of Mormon Stories
Videos
Lost in Austen (PBS)
John Adams (HBO Special)
Movies
The Time Traveler’s Wife
Today I went to the waterpark with Brianne and the boys. Doug and his buddy Lee worked on the driveway and went on yet another male bonding hike. We all got together for dinner at Brianne’s choice of restaurants. It was really a wonderful Saturday. Today was likely one of the last warm days of the year where one can lie in the sun reading an incredibly yummy Jodi Piccoult novel. It is hideous to think I could have spent the day watching television.
Day 10
September 6, 2009
Brianne is leaving today. I’m taking her to BYU Idaho after linger-longer after church. I only collapsed into a sniveling mass of estrogen twice this morning. Doug dutifully held me through the worst of the two. I’m resolved to be strong and tearless but my baby girl is leaving me…which is a really self-centered way to look at it. I need to change my perspective. My daughter is verturing out on her own and learning and growing and becoming who she is meant to be.
She has never been much of a television watcher.
There are so many other places to get information from. Like Hymn books. We have such an explosion of information in our lives. Each individual sort of creates her own culture by what artistic endeavors are allowed in her life.
Like hymns.
Poetry and Music put together is the epitome of artistic work to me. However – I so admire the efforts made by those who create books and movies. But I’m learning how well you can learn from something simple like a hymn. It seems simple but the truths taught in the words and the music are the deepest of messages. Truth is simple Lies are complex.
I know I may seem like a simple, maybe even shallow person to turn from the popular movies, books and media explostion that most peiplke in our day participate in. I’ve chided myself for burying my head in the sand when It comes to politics I’ve been chastised by those whose opinion I seriously care about for not getting more involved with pol,itics. I read books about the holocaust and wonder at the idiocisty and nievite of Jewish people who lived in Hitler’s German and didn’t leave when the cooud was comping. I’ve noticed that whenever I judge others, eventually, the thing I was being judgemental about happens to me. I have read the scriptures. I know what the prophecies are. There really isn’t anywhere to go. How could one weak woman do much to make a difference.
Today I learned from the Hymn, “lord, I would Follow Thee.” Bern loved this hymn and requested that it be sung at his funeral for both the opening and closing songs. We sant it in Sacrament meeting today and I thought about the words and remembered my brother and how to me personally he did NOT live up to it really well. Then I shook myself and applied it to myself. I’m the one who needs to love her brother. Don’t I?
My thoughts went back to a lesson Dad taught me when I was about 13 years old. I had (what I thought of as) a wicked stepsister, Tina and I fought like cats and dogs. Dad was always saying “throw contenseion out the window.” It was his lame catch phrase that I’m sure he thought was incredibly clever, (as if his cleverness could solve the problems of a new mother and new chiloren in our home).
I don’t remember the talk or who the general authority was who gave it, but I remember the message. It was about trying harder in our relationships. It was about kindness to others. I sat there listening to conference and thought , “Ya!!!! Tina needs to hear this message and apply it to her life.” I must have said something outloud because Dad shook his head and said something to the effect of , “You don’t get it Lollie, what about you? Don’t you need that message too?’
Wow
That hit me like a ton of bricks. The disappointment in my Dad’s face was clear as well and cut me to the core. I realized in a 13 year old way that the only person I am responsible for is myself.
(oh look a chicken)
Have you noticed how incredibly cute baby’s toes are? They are like little rows of jelly beans. Almost edible.
(sorry, I was having and A.D.D. moment. Now back to the previous message:)
A man I had hated I found to be
A child of God like you like me
All of my enmity, God overthrew
The day that he whispered, “I love you”
This line from my Mom’s song really spoke to me today. I let go of false pride when I remember who I really am. When I remind myself that I am loved by God – I don’t need to be envious of others.
I remember being in Ben’s hospital room. John was taking care of Brinkley and the boys along with all of his kids. Ben organized us all into a concert. We sang to him and played music for him. Music seemed to be a great comfort.
I dealt with it all the best I could. I realized what a spiritual weenie I am. I was in the painful throws of grief. I couldn’t believe my brother was dying. He was so young.
He wasn’t supposed to be alive. He out-lived all medical expectations. He was so happy that we were all there. Lori said the way she got through it was: “…keep a sound mind, don’t give totally into fear and don’t give totally into hope.”
Ben couldn’t lie still. He was in so much pain. One of the hardest things I have ever done was to sit and watch my brother be in pain. To not be able to help was pure torture.
My little sister Mary and I were sitting there in Ben’s hospice room. He asked us if we could tell him if he was living or dying. He said he could see the spirit world off in the distance. He said it was about the size of a postage stamp.
Mary had her adorable baby there with her. He was so precious. It is a comfort to know that life goes on.
I wanted to take my brother’s pain.
That wasn’t my job. It was Jesus’. He did it. Thanks Jesus.
Day 11
September 7, 2009
Took my baby girl to college. Left her there. Why do they call it “empty nest”? Try more like BROKEN HEART!!!
Today was one of the most difficult days of my life. Brianne is so tangled up in the nest of my heart. Luckily, she is mine for eternity. Her big sis reminded me of that.
Day 12
September 8, 2009
I really could have used the mindless drivel of television to escape from the reality of my baby girl being gone this morning.
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